Changes

This coming weekend we will celebrate the twins' 3rd birthday. They are rapidly changing from babies to little boys, racing away from toddlerhood to preschooler, and before I know it they'll be grown. It's been a remarkable adventure to this point and I know it will only get more interesting as time goes on. It has been wonderful seeing them grow and change as individuals and see the things they keep as the same. They're amazing.

There is a sadness here as well though...they are my last.

Way back when Gabriel was wee I looked at my husband and I said "we need to make a decision and I think it has to be that we decide not to have more children. As much as I want more, it doesn't feel reasonable." He agreed and booked himself an appointment. But we quickly realized (bolstered by a night of drinking with my mom) that it was not the right decision, someone was missing in our life and we cancelled that appointment and took the plunge.

I got pregnant quickly and we were excited to have our first planned pregnancy, as our others were much-wanted but very unexpected blessings. At 20 weeks we were let in the cosmic joke..."Oh you were planning something?" Life said, "Plan this!" and we discovered we were having identical twin boys.

Not long after we found out we were set firm in our decision...this would be our last go round. After the twins were born and everything was going well my husband made the appointment again to be snipped.

And that's been good. Little chance of a birth control fail with sterilization, although about 1 in 100 men have their vasectomies fail in the first 5 years. We've been reasonably sure for well over a year that there would be no more unexpected bundles coming our way.

Last month I had to have minor surgery to remove a cyst that has been giving me trouble. Because of the risk of ovarian cancer the gynecologist felt it was prudent to remove the left ovary that kept making the cysts as well as both fallopian tubes (as ovarian cancer tends to start in the tubes). In the lead up to the procedure he stressed to me that I would not ever be able to have children after this and I stressed to him that it's cool...I've got 5. We're good.

And I am ok with not having more kids, because we have a great family. Five marvelous children who delight and frustrate me every day. Sanity wise, five is the limit for me. Financially, well...less probably would have made more sense but we make it work. Five is a good number, this feels like the family that fits.

But there is a small part of me that is sad to see the end of my fertile years. Never again be pregnant? But I loved being pregnant. Never again hold a wiggly newb that is all mine? But...but I loved the early days of getting to know this shiny new person. I loved breastfeeding and diapering tiny bottoms and dressing them in itty bitty clothes and hugging a human that fits between my collarbone and belly button.

Thing is...I don't want more children. I get a wee bit broody from time to time, but honestly I don't want to start fresh. I have nephews and nieces and babies of friends to look forward, and one day in the way distant future motherhood pays off with becoming a grandmother. I look forward to meeting scores of babies that I get to hand back to the people responsible for them.

Even though it is something I had previously chosen now that it's absolutely off the table 100% no going back...it feels so final and over.

Not a bad thing, really. Just a different stage a life, a new change. Felt more keenly because my babies are not babies anymore. I wonder if I would be feeling this so sharply if it happened while they were still wee, and not about to face a transition of their own. If it happened before the New Baby Smell had worn off. Or if they were older and our baby days were fading memories instead of traces of them still seen in their chubby faces. If we were fully into those independent years instead of just approaching them.

Maybe it's all in the timing?

I think any time you reach the end of something some kind of mourning period is expected. I didn't think I would feel this way, because we had already dealt with the end of our baby making days, so I was surprised by it. To go through the process of it twice is a bit disconcerting.

At the end of the day, I am where I am supposed to be.