It's taken me a while to write out this post, mostly because I wasn't sure how I wanted to do it. I wish I could breeze into it and say "Oh their first year was so marvellous I'd do it again in a heartbeat if I could", but that simply isn't true.
Last year I had a c-section and recovery from that major surgery sucked donkey balls. My muscles are only now starting to work again. I have a scar from where they cut into my body and that freaks me out. Not that I had a c-section, that doesn't bother me. I needed it, my twins were in a very dangerous position and vaginal birth could have been disasterous. I had a great team who worked very hard to bring my babies safely into this world and who went above and beyond to make me feel at ease. No, it's the actual cutting that troubles me...a hole was made where one was not before. I'm still processing it.
Right after my twins were born I was hit with literally every single symptom Bell's Palsy can throw at a person. I had the paralyzed face, the weird effects on my voice, the watery eyes, the painful echo loud noises would make in my ears. My neurologist was almost impressed by it all, he'd never seen someone get ALL of the symptoms.
My body crashed and emotionally I went to hell. I dealt with horrible depression and anxiety, all while trying to adjust to my new role as mom to 5 children and all the extra work that comes with being a mother to twins.
But there were great moments too...my boys are gorgeous and interesting little people. My older children are amazing me every day. My husband is an absolute champion who pulled me up from the darkness and helped me through. I discovered that my friends really are there for me and love me for who I am. It was a real litmus test for those around me, and I was so happy and felt so cherished when the dust settled and they were all still there.
I did things I didn't think I would get around to doing...like finally getting my tattoo that I've wanted for years (a mermaid knitting. My husband designed it, it's beautiful), which was my reward for coming through to the other side of my depression.
I did things I never thought I would ever do...I cut my hair really short and dyed it a blue-black colour. I got into belly dance and at our student showcase got up in front of a room full of strangers and danced...with my belly out. Streth marks and all...and I felt amazing and beautiful and powerful doing it.
So while it would be easy to dwell on the negatives of the past year, I don't want to do that. It's over, we're moving on. But neither do I want to dismiss or hide what I went through. It shaped who I am now. And as I have said many times, talking about it keeps me accountable. I hid my depression for too long, and no one knew it was happening (I have a very good "social face"). By talking about it, I can't slip back into it, my support network won't let me.
I look forward to the good things the next year will bring. There are changes coming, and while they aren't the changes I was hoping for I feel good about them. Positive. I feel like I can handle anything that's thrown at me (Side note, confidential to Life...that was not a challenge).
Thursday evening friends and family gathered in our home to celebrate the twins turning one. There was food, presents, cake...and so much love.
And at the center of it all...babies covered in chocolate
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